That Darling Maria Sue
by annaisadinosaur
Summary: George is immediately struck by the new transfer student from America, Maria Sue, but he finds quickly that he is not the only one desiring her heart. She's absolutely perfect in every plausible way, and charming George is determined to win her over.


Dear Maria,

Just for the record, I saw you first. I was the one tripping and falling head over heels before anyone else even set eyes on you. I know you've probably heard about the wild little tale little Won-Won (my brother Ron, if you're not familiar with the nickname) conjured up about you and him meeting and falling in love instantly. Harry and Dean Thomas and Neville had their own stories as well. I'm pretty sure I heard something about Malfoy even. Merlin's sake, Fred, my own brother—can't believe it myself, and I'm his twin!—started telling lies about how you and him had a "connection." But like I said, just to get the story straight, I had dibs first. I was ten minutes late to class, thanks to Fred and his lousy fail of a dungbomb (I had to clean it up, too) when I nearly ran into you. Dumbledore said at breakfast there would be a new student arriving a little later that day—transfer student from America—and everyone groaned. All the transfer students we've had from America have been downright _hideous. _Old wrinkly hags and the like!

So, when _you_ showed up, oh sweet darling Maria, weren't we all surprised? I swear the world just stopped and Merlin froze time. It would explain why I literally fell on my face then. I saw you, and those brilliant raven black luscious locks, and those dashingly beautiful eyes like midnight, and there was no more world for me. I forgot there had ever been a ground to support my feet. All that mattered in that quick one second meeting was you. Who needed gravity? Who needed a mind? So, of course because of that wondrous fall (sorry you had to see that—though you have an angelic giggle, I assure you!), Dumbledore rushed you on to your next class and I never got a moment to introduce myself. Shame on me for not being gifted with cupid's wings! If only I could have soared to you, we would have found a way to make our love work. Well, maybe I'm getting slightly ahead of myself... No, perhaps not, I'm just flustered from the thought of you still.

I needed to get you a gift; that was the only thing on my mind all throughout class. I planned to go to Hogsmeade that weekend and visit Honeydukes to pick you up chocolate or something of the sort, but when I mentioned it to Fred, he said we could pick it up that night. Long story short, we had quite an adventure with this lovely invention called the "Marauder's Map" on a secret trip to Hogsmeade on a Monday night. I purchased a box of chocolates for you and hand-wrote a long, lovely letter and prepared to give it to you the next morning in the Great Hall. Ahem, I know you've received the box I sent you by now... let me explain briefly, dear. You see, Fred and I, we hope to run a joke shop one day. It's our biggest dream in life—well, second to you, now, of course, Maria—and we began experimenting with chocolate. The chocolate you received, I'm afraid, got mixed up with our experimental chocolate. In other words, I did not intend to feed you cockroaches. The experiment really was quite the success, if that cheers you up any! It's quite the sight to be seen, Maria, and I hope you were impressed by the intelligence and thought put behind it. The trick is that it appears to be an average truffle, but upon contact with the mouth, it transfigures into... well, _you know_, of course. Oh, and the letter... I'm sorry you had to see that. That was a letter for my mum... I guess everything got a little mixed up that night... after all, it was nearly three in the morning! It's the thought that counts, right, Maria?

I hope, sweet Maria, this has been a wonderful first week of school for you. I heard that in all your classes, you were the subject of many paper owls! Oh, how admired. Though I do envy the others for capturing your attention. Professor McGonagall is no fun, I will be the first to point out, so I wouldn't worry about her. I heard her screaming all the way from my Potions class. "Boys, quit throwing all those paper owls at poor Maria's head! _She can't concentrate on the lesson!_" It's not _their_ fault they have bad aim, is it? Or maybe her point was throwing them at your head... maybe she was just complaining about them throwing them at all... well, either way, she should have been clearer. I heard they didn't listen to her and she had to give them all detentions. And even then they didn't listen to her _then_, and she had to transfigure them all into rats to get them to move. Dear me, what a brilliant effect you have.

It was really a pleasure seeing you at Quidditch try-outs as well. I think all us chums were speechless when we learned you could _fly_ on top of everything else. First you can read, write, sing, play piano, and tie your shoelaces with your _teeth_—now you can fly a broomstick also! You are just getting more and more unbelievable by the second. I'm afraid, however, you won't have made it onto the team, considering no one really saw you fly for very long... that mass of boys surrounding you the whole time was a little distracting. I hope your leg heals quickly, Maria. I assure you that no one intended to push you off of your broom. If it helps any, you were quite a beautiful angel falling from the sky! I would have pulled out my wand and caught you in your fall, but we were all a little breath taken by the sight. A shooting star, you were, quite honestly!

I didn't see you this morning, though, and oh sweet Maria I missed seeing your face. Fred told me that there was a large commotion in the Gryffindor common room. Fifty boys maybe were crowded around the girl's dormitory, trying to make their way up the staircase to find you. However, those _amateurs_, everyone knows that if you go up the girl's staircase it turns into a slide. Luckily it wasn't the biggest traffic block in the world; all the other girls in the dorm had already left for breakfast. I bet it was a bit of an inconvenience for you, though, seeing as you were still left inside, and were more than likely trapped. More than likely, who am I kidding; you were practically isolated and deserted by the complete male student body!

I guess now that I think about it, I've never really seen you for very long, despite that first time in the hallway. I know when it's you passing me in the hallway now, though, because there's always a large swarm of boys walking together in an enormous group. That must be hard to walk in the middle of all of that! I was talking to everyone at our table as well, and none of us have ever heard your voice! Isn't that funny? Seeing as you're two years younger, I don't have any classes with you, but Harry said that in class whenever the teacher calls on you, a boy interrupts to try to get your attention and demands for your love. Hey, at least you don't have to answer the teacher's pesky questions, right? There's a positive side here.

Oh, and one last thing. I was just about to ask you yesterday at dinner if you wanted to join me on a picnic tonight at the Black Lake, when several boys around got frantic and stole my idea. "No, Maria, don't go with George! Here, take my food now, you don't have to wait for tonight!" "Maria, I'm romantic, too! Have my turkey!" "Maria, here's something to wash it down with—see, _I'm_ considerate!" I'm afraid it was a little frightening to see that large group of boys thrusting their food at you. And I'm sorry you got mashed potatoes and gravy all over your lovely hair. But pumpkin juice really goes well with your complexion, you know. I quite liked the color with your eyes. I hope it has all come out by now, dear. It was really unfortunate that the whole Hall decided to start throwing food everywhere, especially with you as the main target. Incredibly unfortunate. We didn't even get dessert after that!

I know it's difficult to hear this, love, but after writing all this, I'm incredibly exhausted. It seems like there's a lot going on in your life currently, and I think that we should stop seeing each other. It'd be best if we went our own separate ways. We'd never see each other, you know? I mean, one moment, I'm leaning in to kiss you and the next some random boy slaps me! You're so very beautiful and desirable, but I'm afraid it's more like when a child drops a pumpkin pasty on the floor and leaves it. The ants are immediately attracted to it, and they all swarm it, trying to claim it for themselves—but then the smart ant (very rare in this case) decides it's no use fighting with the rest of the ants. Not all of them can have the desired pasty. And so the smart ant—me, in this case—has to leave his precious love behind. You know I love you, dear Maria, and I know you love me—but honestly I think if we were together I would die. You're a magnet for stampedes, in all truth, dear. And that is just not the atmosphere to raise our children in.

It's been nice knowing you, my sweet Maria. I guess I'll be seeing Angelina for that picnic tonight. Hope you survive another week.

All the love in the world,

George Weasley

* * *

_A/N: This is something I wrote a while back for a competition at HEX (it won 3rd, and oh, the honor! Quick little thank you to whoever ran that, though I forget her name). I found this again recently and figured it could find a decent home here, so here it is, my entry for the Mary Sue competition by Hufflepuffluv. This is truly how you take a Mary Sue down. A love-struck Georgie that decides the perfect girl really is just much too high work to keep up with. Teehee, I have too much fun with my writing sometimes. And George, who doesn't love George? Thanks very much for reading. The hippogriffs are very grateful. And if you have no idea what that last sentence meant, well, it's very likely that I didn't either.  
_


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